Of days of Introspection, Enlightenment and Self Exploration

I always believe that exams, hurdle, challenges in life enrich people. They contribute to the development of personality, temperament, attitude and next pinnacle. Lately, I had been through one such test where a completely different level of self introspection and revelation kept nettling my entity. This examination is very unique in every essence for it doesn’t last for hours, days or weeks. It’s going to stay and probe at my conscience each and every moment I exert my cerebral cells.

Another unique aspect of this test is I have freedom to consult, explore, search whomever, whatever I want ,in quest of right answer. And perhaps for the first time I realized the complexity of this test when I found out that not a single person, book or site could provide me an appropriate key to unlock this conundrum. The best they could do is to assist me in how I frame my answer. But the disturbing part remained intact – where do I get the right content?

The questions are very short and simple. What defines you the best? What matters most to you in your life? How do you see your future? What measures you can take to meet your dreams? What changes would you like to see in yourself?


At first look, these questions looked a stroll in park. Just as I normally do with my blogs, I thought for a moment while scanning the blank pages of WordPad and set about typing ideas that floated my right cerebrum at that instant. However, after couple of hours or so, nothing came that matched close to the most definitive answer. With every thought, there were dozens of contradicting thoughts questioning my knowledge about “Myself”.
I brushed it aside, attributing it to lack of right mood and ideas at that moment and left it for another day.

Next day I again sat in front of monitor, this time probably with fresh mind and clear target. As I gazed through the first question – “What defines you the best?” –Once more a set of ambiguous thoughts crippled further flow of any concrete motifs. It was my nonchalant attitude that took precedence and I attributed my conspicuous failure to lack of right ambience for getting clear idea about myself. I still wasn’t ready to take a dive into my deepest pool of self-knowledge

Third day wasn’t any different either. I was still stuck in the quagmire of provoking questions that slowly engulfed my mindset. How can I ignore myself to such a long period that I have absolutely no idea who I am? Perhaps, I need to give it a break and come back with new mindset. Probably I am pondering way too much, that’s why I am not getting the right answers. In desperation, for first time, I completely stopped doing what I felt so much passionate about – Writing, writing what was there in my mind. I was not at all ready to accept the fact that there indeed was something missing in my way of thinking that needed to be addressed. Though the questions kept pricking at the back of my mind, I remained in illusion that somehow I will lay my hand on an elixir or genie like something which will give me a definitive answer.

After ten days break when I sat in front of the monitor, these questions remained brazenly intact,posing as they were on the first day, challenging my very existence. There wasn’t a clue in near vicinity to unscramble these supposedly innocuous puzzles. It was time for me to react – however, still long way from act with purpose.In wild frenzy, I set about searching Google, Yahoo, Amazon to find the right answers. Each book in my small library was rummaged around in pursuit to get the solution – Yet I continued to fail.

The last resort was to go back to my best counselors – Autobiographies of people I admire. I just wanted to know whether it’s only me who is stuck in such horrible mess, unclear about his very self. Fortunately, there was a semblance of hope and a slight satisfaction when I discovered that each and every human being goes through such phases of self query. Many brush it aside, some think for it for a while and move on and very few actually work on it and go on to become cut above the rest
I don’t want to put myself in first two groups
This was probably the first convincing thought that came in my mind after days of confusion, self doubt and mental confabulation

The next step was I needed to put thought into action – How do I avoid myself getting clubbed into the first two groups? And that was the entry key to this whole maze, which now looked more complex than Einstein’s theory of relativity or Maxwell’s thermodynamics equation. I find some how great people do wonderful service to the society by imparting their knowledge in whatever form they can in form of autobiographies, speeches or other communicative forms. I believe, such modus communico can inspire rest all individuals to think differently so that they can make the life around them glittering. However at that moment, my immediate task was to stop thinking about how others are going to be affected, first I needed to unravel the mystery about myself.

I started with my own question – Why do my friends, colleagues and relatives want to have relationship with me? I came up with a list of facets about myself that could have probably set the tune in their mind. The next question followed – Would they have easily found a replacement had I not been there? I discovered the list now grew shorter yet there were few distinct traits that nobody could replace mine. And rightly so, these facets defined me the best. I was close to solving my first puzzle…..